A Girl's Guide to Going to a Show

1. Get there late. Even though it's basically impossible to get there late, as there's never a consensus arrival time for these things, you can manage to do it.

2. Be spectacularly overdressed. Yeah, I get it, it's February, and it's maybe 40 degrees. But you're going to be standing in a capacity-crowd venue for multiple hours, and your fur boots, hooded multi-layer jacket, cashmere gloves, and earmuffs make you look nothing short of retarded.

3. Always bring a tall, goofy-looking, "friend" whom you have absolutely no desire to have sex with, and who isn't even your friend, but serves as a convenient way for you to not get a) bored or b) rubbed up on throughout the night.

4. Use the magical powers of your breasts to push to front-center through a jam-packed crowd.

5. Dance... incorrectly. Do the cha-cha-cha to Iron and Wine's "Sodom, South Georgia," a waltz to Okkervil River's "Unless It's Kicks," some bastardized version of the tango to The Hold Steady's "Hot Soft Light." And, of course, it is mandatory that you take up the maximum amount of space while doing it.

6. Tell your manfriend to get drinks. When he does, you are required to "check your phone" for text messages and throw on a fake-smile as you mash away furiously at your keyboard to send a message that undoubtedly reads "BST SHOW EVR... TTYL!!!" when the headliner hasn't even taken stage.

7. Get absolutely sloshed after 5 sips of your 50% water/50% Coors "beer." Use this as a mandate to do whatever the fuck you want.

8. Look bored during a band's best songs, and cheer moronically during the clunkers. Somehow, despite the fact that you were thoroughly engrossed with your Blackberry during "Wake Up," "Rebellion," and "Intervention," your ears perk up for "Neighborhood #2" and you let out a shrill scream (accompanied by something that is the white-girl version of "DIS IS MAH JAM!") while fiercely adhering to rule #5.

9. Milk a few more drinks out of Sir Gangly Fellow.

10. At some point, during one of the band's songs, attempt to talk on the phone. You can barely hear anything on your phone while walking down a random street in New York City, yet you expect to have success while your ears are being throttled with a decade's worth of decibels.