Body of Lies

You know, Hollywood has really not helped burnish the image of the Middle East during the Bush era. The tone of war/terrorism movies since 9/11 has really not been to the benefit of, say, Johawa Average. Whether it be Rendition, 1/3 of Babel, Syriana, The Kingdom, this, or any other of the dozen of this "genre," it's typically a pessimistic outlook and a haphazard mishmash of Islamic themes that so blurs the distinction between friends and enemies that it's like "whatever, bomb 'em all." The Hollywood Middle East Movie Formula -- while not rigidly adhered to by all of its subscribers -- goes a bit like this:



-SOMETHING EXPLODES... this is key to any flick that seeks an accurate portrayal of the Muslim world, where it's common to go down the block for a bagel and come back with half as many arms and shrug it off (pun semi-intended) like it's no big thing. This must be followed by
-A STRUMMING SITAR... because we know Mohammad Atta really dug on Ravi Shankhar. Accompanied by the
-REQUISITE SOUTHWEST ASIAN VOCALIST... She -- always a she -- doesn't exactly sing words, but rather strings together endless syllables and hums in a melodic style. Think of the tall grass scene in Gladiator and you'll know what I mean. Once the musical montage is over, the film
-CONTRASTS U.S. AND THIRD WORLD CULTURES... They're poor, we're not! We use forks and knives, they eat dirt on a plate made from dirt! Our lives revolve around soccer practices and taking out the garbage, and they're trained to use an AK-47 by age 11! DRUM THIS POINT HOME! Until...
-SOMETHING ELSE BLOWS UP... self-explanatory, followed by
-ENDLESS BUREAUCRATIC RED TAPE... NSA on the phone with the FBI, a Jordanian ambassador trying to get past CIA restrictions, the USAF screwing over the Army Chief of Staff -- it is the Middle East, ergo, the problems will be innumerable. Leading into
-BETRAYAL... Gee, that swarthy, untrustworthy slimeball named Jabar who was my Syrian liaison turns out to be a swarthy, untrustworthy slimball. No clue how this happened. And when this happens, the protagonist then
-FACES AN EXIS--
-A RANDOM DUDE WALKS INTO A MALL, SAYS "ALLAH AHKBAR," AND SUDDENLY THE PROPERTY IS IN NEED OF REDEVELOPING... I realize it's brown people, but holy fuck. How quickly are they making bombs? Continuing...
-THE PROTAGONIST FACES AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS... Why am I here? These people aren't people. This problem can't be solved. I'm just one man. I want a fucking Coke, and these sandstorms are killing my sinuses. We are suddenly brought back to reality with
-COOL HI-TECH STUFF... i.e., a satellite. And, finally
-GRATUITOUS TORTURE SCENE... If a group of Muslims has captured you, good luck walking away with 10 working fingers.