Idol, 3/17

People are screaming. I think it's country night.

PICK: Allison.

Randy: "This week... second week is always the tough week, man." What?

Michael: "Ain't Goin' Down (Til The Sun Comes Up)"... Feels kinda like amateur country night. I guess it's good? Who knows, modern country is so stupid. He has like no vocal power, but neither do most male country singers. Good enough to pass through. Randy: "Not sure it brought some different things out in your vocal capabilities." Kara: "It's the big notes I missed." Paula: "It's a great Garth Brooks song." Simon: "I couldn't understand a single word." LOL. Michael: "If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need this show." WTF.

Allison: "Blame It On Your Heart"... She has a RIDIC voice for a 16-year-old. That said, this song choice is so weak. It's totally unbefitting. Just very uncompelling and squawky. Plus, an Hispanic singing country? This is why Idol sucks. Kara: "I am starting to think that you could sing the alphabet." Plz no. Paula: "Another rock solid performance." OK, please, Simon, emperor-has-no-clothes this motherfucker ASAP. Simon: "I thought it was good." Blegh. Randy: "I THOUGHT IT WAS DOPE." Jesus fuck.

Kris: "To Make You Feel My Love"... This is a great performance for him. He has a good voice for the ballad style, Randy Travis was right. Very mellow. I mean, not like great or anything, but girls are totally in love with this guy. Paula: "I'm pleasantly surprised." Simon: "I thought that was terrific." YES. Wow, major props from Simon. Randy: "I was like 'wow.'" Kara: "It just was beautiful." Damn.

Lil Rounds: "Independence Day"... This is the first black person Randy Travis has ever seen. I like this song, so it might be biasing my opinion, but I think this is a good performance. She's not going anywhere tonight, so it's not like it matters, but still. She was a bit unconfident, but it was passable for sure. Randy: "I don't know. It didn't feel comfortable to me on you." I guess that seems about right. Kara: "We all know you're a great singer." I want to punch Kara in her molars. Paula: "I think everything is going right for you tonight." Simon: "You sound like a wedding singer." Everyone seems to be ragging on her for being black and having the audacity to sing a country song on Country Night. Brilliant.

Adam: "Ring of Fire"... This is the first metrosexual Randy Travis has ever seen. LOLLL @ this arrangement. What the fuck. It's like Ravi Shankhar composed it. Revolver-esque. This is so bad. Again, this is why Idol sucks. Why should a guy like Lambert be singing country? This is borderline hilarious. Kara: "I don't know what to make of that." Paula: "You are really someone who stands out." Simon: "What the hell was that?" "Absolute indulgent rubbish." Randy: "If you could imagine Nine Inch Nails doing a country song, that's what it was! It's young! It's hot! It's fresh! It's hot!" WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, RANDY?

Scott: "Wild Angels"... This guy needs to go ASAP. He sucks at singing, he sucks at piano, and he sucks at seeing. It's almost infuriating that he is still around. Of course they will praise it, because this show is just bullshit. Paula: "To me, tonight was another impressive and lovely performance." Simon: "I think you're choosing songs [which are] going over my head." Randy: "I'm looking for those hot, crazy, unbelievable vocals from you." WHAT. He sucks, he doesn't have any vocals. Kara: "Open up a little bit."

Alexis: "Jolene"... Great song choice. I wish she could belt out the peak notes like Jack White does. Song was just okay overall I guess. She'll sail through though obviously. Randy: "Wasn't a great performance for me." Kara: "You lost your edge a bit." That sounds about right, surprisingly. Paula: "You took an artistic approach." Simon: "It was okay."

Danny: "Jesus Take The Wheel"...Why is he dressed like a villain in Rogue Spear? Nonetheless, Gokey is always pretty great. He has a lot of "soul," which is a word I typically hate. Kara: "Halfway through, it was like 'Here comes Danny.'" Paula: "I love it!!!!" Simon: "My only problem is what you're wearing." GOKEY. Randy: "The rest of the song -- dude you blaze and it was craaazzy."

Anoop: "You're Always On My Mind"... This is assuredly the first Indian person Randy Travis has ever seen. Slumdog needs to go home tonight or I will lose it. This is amateur night to the nth degree. The chorus is actually grating on my ears. Paula: "Anoop is back!" NO. Simon: "You've just managed to go from zero to hero." Oh my god... Jesus FUCK. Wow this is total pimping. They need to keep a dark person on besides Lil Rounds, and the Slumdog factor seals it. Randy: "This is the reason we really wanted you in this competition." Lmfao. Kara: "Very hard to do what you did tonight." Utter sheep.

Megan: "I Go Walking After Midnight"... God, so bad, but really hot. JESUS. HORRIBLE. She needs to hope for the furiously-texting perv vote to stay in. She has no voice at all. She has an anti-voice. Randy: "I must say... I was quite impressed." DOT. DOT. DOT. WHAT THE FUCK. Megan: "Perfect song, perfect look." LMFAO. Paula: "You're a fighter." Simon: "You should have flu every week." This was one of the most egregious examples of Idol rigging I've ever seen. Nice.

Matt: "So Small"... This guy is pure Yamin (i.e., seems to have potential, will finish 5th and be forgotten forever). Whatever. Pimp spot and he's in. Kara: "There ain't nothin' small about you." Paula: "Kudos Carrie Underwood for allowing you to sing this." Simon: "You don't get enough credits for your vocals." Randy: "You got it goin' on, baby!"