Aflghh... Eminem's "We Made You"

What to say, what to say. "Crack a Bottle" (while not an Em track) was seriously great, with a romping rhythm, a catchy-if-a-bit-wtf chorus, and a great set of verses from Dr. Dre and Eminem. So for the last few months, I've remained hopeful of Eminem's comeback prospects. Well, it seems that, over the past few days, Eminem has unleashed "We Made You" to the world.



After many listens, here are my thoughts:

The video, while already approaching tiring, is entertaining, albeit being pretty much standard fare for Eminem. Lots of costumes and a plethora of well-worn jokes. So while it will definitely get the talking heads talking, it's not really worth discussing. Now, as for the song, there are significant, um, lyrical problems. First -- Eminem seems to not be aware that today, way more so than in 1999-2003, the news cycle is really fast. A decade ago, you could make a song about Fred Durst and Christina Aguilera and it would still be funny and singalongable seven months later. These days, not so much. Ergo, stuff like Jessica Simpson's ass and... Kim Kardashian's ass are poor choices for lyrical material.

Second -- irrespective of the speed of the modern news cycle, you can't write a song about Lindsay Lohan's lesbian lover and expect it to be a quality track. Look at this crap:

Sorry Portia, but whats Ellen Degeneres
Have that I don't, are you telling me tenderness?
Well I can be as gentle and as smooth as a gentleman
Give me my ventolin inhaler and 2 zenedrin
And I'll invite Sarah Palin out to dinner then
Nail her,'Baby say hello to my little friend' Brit forget K Fed lets cut off the middle man

Eminem has rapped about a few different things: Kim, Kim, Hailey, drugging girls, not giving a fuck, still not giving a fuck, Kim, Insane Clown Posse, Moby, drugs, drugs, and just losing it. All of these topics have a very finite shelf life. While "Marshall Mathers" is a really awesome song, Eminem can't exactly put out "Marshall Mathers 2" and expect people to not have issues with it. He's rapping about homosexuals and vicodin. You can't sell that fucking record.

So now he starts tossing rocks at Sarah Palin, which is oh-so-lame. I don't know how Eminem can credibly reinsert himself into the music scene in 2009, but it surely isn't with lyrics like the aforementioned. Of course, "We Made You" will probably be at number 1 -- if it's not already -- so what the fuck do I know?

WITH ALL THAT SAID, this is a really, really catchy song. I can't stop listening to it. The beat is fully entrenched in my brain, and the chorus just rolls over and over on my tongue. And -- massive lyrical screw-ups aside -- Eminem is still an endearing rhymer.

So objectively, this song blows. But I like it. And I really want to hear his new album.